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Her bravery, self-realization, and honesty is awe inspiring and inspirational to say the least. In an effort to help others who may be going through something similar, I interviewed Nadia about her experience. This is what she had to say…. Our marriage was comfortable, and full of warmth and care.
We started dating in college, at the start of our sophomore year, and we were together for almost 12 years. What I remember most now is how much I loved his company. He was creative and thoughtful and curious about everything. We could sit and talk for hours. We were married for six years, and even the hard years at the end of the marriage had a comfort and ease to them. I tend to be a very controlled person, and without necessarily realizing it, I started to let my mind go where it wanted to go. I remember, early that spring, I was meeting with a woman I was just getting to know.
She sat down and folded her arms behind her head, so casually confident, and for the first time in my life, I lost all control. My heart was beating so hard I was sure she could hear it, and I blushed a deep red. I was so taken aback; I had no idea what to make of it. That happened again with another woman shortly after — a lesbian singer I met at a conference.
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She smiled and winked at me, just an offhand glance, and my heart was beating so fast that my hands were shaking. Those were the early signs that made me start to question.
My attraction to women felt like something totally separate from my marriage. I think the problems in the marriage made me open to my feelings for women, but it felt like discovering something that had always been true and seeing it for the first time. Like the moment you see a Magic Eye and the picture is suddenly clear. There were other times in our marriage when I did wonder if he was the right guy for me, but those times felt different.
I just desired them, separately and overwhelmingly. A combination of both. There was a specific woman I had very strong feelings for during the time I was questioning, and there were also a lot of other, briefer attractions toward women that I felt during that time. It feels so cheesy to call it an awakening, but that whole time felt like finally waking up to myself. I was twelve the first time I remember falling for a girl.
I had this all-consuming crush on her for the entirety of seventh grade, and I did anything I could to spend more time with her. All through college, while my friends had crushes on cute guys in their classes, I had crushes on girls in my classes. I knew that they made me nervous, and I would go to class just to see them, but somehow I never considered that those feelings could mean something more. But when I was growing up, very few people were out. The visible gay women were mostly butch, so that was my image of a gay woman. It took me about a year and a half to tell my husband and another six months to leave.
It was terrifying to consider the possibility of starting over. I had never been a single adult, and I had no idea what coming out or being gay would mean for my life. I hate that kind of uncertainty. Before I came out to my husband, I needed the chance to process what I felt on my own.
I found books and movies about gay women really helpful during that time because they gave me the private freedom to start to picture a life for myself. They were a safe space for me to imagine myself in that story.
Eventually, it felt too big and too important to keep to myself. I decided to tell him as soon as I felt like there was no other option. I felt confused, overwhelmed, and scared. It seemed crazy to start over in my 30s, with no idea where to begin, just as my friends were all starting to have kids. We were sitting on the grass in a small hillside park near our apartment, and he started asking me about desire.
When I was finally honest with myself and with him about that, we knew we had to end it. I watched the realization wash over his face, and it was heartbreaking and freeing at the same time. I told my ex-husband I was attracted to women at a Santa Monica shopping mall wearing this awful salmon-colored, long-sleeve running shirt.
It was such a stressful thing to say; I remember I was shaking. I told him I was having feelings for women and trying to understand what it meant. I said I was still making sense of it all, and I wanted to talk to him about it. I asked him if we could figure out what it meant for our marriage together.
His first instinct was to tell me he supported me, which is a huge credit to his character. He approached the whole thing with curiosity, asking about what I felt, how I came to the realization, and what it meant to me. It was surprisingly easy to tell people, and everyone was so supportive. They took it in stride and moved on like that was the new normal. I thought it would be a bigger deal, but I think it was a much bigger deal to me than it was to them. It was much harder to feel like a queer identity actually belonged to me. I am still constantly dealing with people just finding out.
At first, I would blush as I told my story, which was really embarrassing, but it got less awkward with time. I started to feel more comfortable talking about being gay as I felt like it became a more ordinary part of my life. The uncertainty is really hard. We briefly tried an open marriage, but I never acted on it.
Rewriting your own identity and coming to understand it in a new light is a deeply personal process. They have no idea. This moment is about you figuring out and trying to understand a fundamental truth about who you are. Only you know what you need to do that. It was a big risk to leave without that certainty, but my gut was telling me, forcefully, that it was the right thing to do. Listen to your gut. How strong is that voice? What is it saying? Your mind will walk you in all kinds of circles, and your gut will tell you the truth. The year I left my husband and started dating my now-partner was a mix of the most profound loss and the most ecstatic joy I have ever experienced in my life.
That is okay. Just do what you can, and be gentle with yourself. Early 30s is an awkward stage of life to come out, and New York can be a very big, very intimidating city. For about a year, hanging out in queer spaces made me feel like an alien lost in an alternate universe. An orientation day pun intended would have been very helpful. The first was a co-worker. She was so open to answering all my vague, probably transparent questions.
She let me quietly question without making a big deal of it.
The second was my first and current girlfriend. I discovered so much of myself with her, and she treated me with enormous care. She knew exactly when to push me and when to be gentle, and she was endlessly patient with me. She brought me into her world and taught me how it worked, and she helped me start building a community. She made me feel safe to find and be myself.
My ex-husband will always be one of my great loves, and the fact that we grew into people who needed different things from life feels okay to me. We were two young kids when we met, and we helped each other grow up.
It takes a hell of a partner to help their spouse grow into the person they really are, even if that means losing them. I do want to get married again; I like the partnership and stability of marriage. But I did what I was ready for, when I was ready for it. An enormous thank you to Nadia to sharing her journey. And as always, thanks for reading! This blog post speaks to everything I am going through right now.
Thank you Nadia for sharing.